Inside my head where the lies we believe thrive:
I make a difference.
I influence others?
You do? Like I said, prove it.
Well, I have a community. I belong.
You only kinda have a community. Would they even notice if you were gone?
Well, I did have one at least, back where I used to live.
Key words: You. Did. They’ve moved on.
Well, I’m interesting–I think. Pretty?
Keep telling yourself that, babe.
Dang it. It gives me shivers–I’m totally going to fail at, well, everything this year.
Don’t have to work hard to prove that one!
Ugh! Why do I even try?!
That’s right. Why do you even care about having a meaningful life?
A meaningful life? I guess that is it, that’s what I want. I want my life to be worth something; for me to be worth something. If I only . . .
It’s all such crap. Meaningful, shityful.
Shut up, you’re kinda a jerk.
Where’d you go?
Hey, you know, I do have a meaningful life. Even if I don’t do anything. I do have some self-worth.
And I don’t have to be afraid of failure. I’ll just learn from it; I’ll just call that success. . . don’t you think?
Who said I ever left?
Maybe I am just afraid of being lonely. You know, besides that whole failure thing.
Oh, that is so right. You are so alone. Lonely and Failure sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G . . .
First comes spite, then they disparage, then out YOU come in their baby carriage!
That is so . . . morose. Surely I’m not born of failure and loneliness!
Well. . . I guess I can’t. . . Wait a minute! Who are you to tell me–
Oh, and, by the way, you can’t change the world either.
Who said I was even trying?
You said you were trying! It’s written all over . . . well, all over your everything!
You know I can’t stand the evil in this world. And the indifference and misguidance as a response to it. Then there is the oppression and hate–
Like I said, you can’t stand to believe your life has no meaning.
Are you saying I have a savior complex?
I’m saying you have an identity complex. Which then manifests itself as a savior complex. So, yes, I am telling you that. You have all the complexes. You are way too far down that rabbit hole. I can’t believe you’re still even able to breathe.
That can’t, that can’t be true.
I’m telling you, that is who you are!
I am so more than that! Why am I even listening to you? Just shut up for a minute so I can think!
You went away again. Whew. You are so LOUD.
I am more than that. I don’t need others to tell me who I am. Let alone you! I am valuable simply because I am.
You’re asking me again? Of course you have no value! You are a persistent failure and no one gets you. You’re a dog who never gives up even though the bone is clearly out of reach. You are worthless.
Sounds like you are complementing me on my persistence and audacity.
Trust me, I wasn’t. W.O.R.T.H.L.E.S.S.
Okay, that’s it. You are nothing–nothing but lies.
I am so the truth.
No you are not! Your voice is hate. You are the evil in the world. I think you need to be quiet now.
Did you hear me? Go away!
Are you gone?
Uh-uh. Nope. Hear me loud and clear: I don’t ever want to catch you whispering your antagonizing, conniving, disparaging, snide and venomous lies of hate ever again. And–so help me God–you are forever exiled out of my head and will continually be tenaciously guarded against. Capiche?
I said die monster, die!
There. That is so much better. Now let’s find the truth.
Instead of the typical New Year’s resolutions I did an exercise asking myself what I am most afraid of (because those fears are usually what keep people from completing their goals). This internal conversation highlighted some of my fears and I figured I might not be alone.